The Saga of Raggot the Ballistic PyroGerbil

Long ago, if not far away, I recorded the Saga of Raggot the Ballistic PyroGerbil, a story now lost to a faulty hard drive which claimed I was backing up to floppy when in fact I was creating a shortcut. It is a loss to culture perhaps on par with that of the Library at Alexandria or the Aztec Codices, but so it goes and most shall likely survive, and if not, well, the sun shall one day nova and things other than Literature shall attract our attention more on that day I’ll bet.

I did re-find the likely anti-gay inspiration tho, still on the web, and that allowed me to reconstruct much of the Saga of Raggot.

From a pan-Internet article alleged to be in the Los Angeles Times:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil." Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn lighted a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

The above is all over the Web and only the severely isolated would believe, yet Inspiration can sneak up and strike at any moment and that is exactly what the scoundrel did to me. To wit & hereby note that I claim copywrite for the following:

The Saga of Raggot the Ballistic PyroGerbil

This clearly describes prototypes of the Kiki-series Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar and the Raggot-series Ballistic PyroGerbil.

Development for military and sporting purposes proceeded immediately upon the recovery of the initial design team, also known as the Triple Alliance.

Ensuing Research and Development papers were published in:

PyroGerbil Institute Proceedings
“The Official Organ of the Society for PyroGerbil Studies” (Classified)

Contents:

“Philosophical Issues in Deploying the Kiki-series Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar in a Bi-Gendered, Multi-Preferenced Military Force: Elite Volunteer Cadre or Every Doughboy’s Duty?”

“Design Tolerances and the Kiki-series Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar, Part I: Are Republican Mortar Bores Too Tight For Safety? Documented Malfunctions Include Severe Over-Pressures, Ruptured Chambers, Projectile Impaction, and Deep Seated Denial.”

“Design Tolerances and the Kiki-series Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar, Part II: Can Democrat Mortars be Held to Adequate Standards?”

“Evolution or Revolution: Development of the Raggot Mod I Mk IV Palomino PyroGerbil for Use in Selected Dude Ranch-type Environments.”

“Mod I, Mk V: The High Explosive PyroGerbil”

“Parameters for Osteo-Donto Friability in the Raggot-series Ballistic Pyrogerbil, Mod I, Mk VI: The Fragmentation Round.”

"Mod I, Mk VII: The Enhanced Methane Gas Round" (Banned by international treaty).

“Seeking an Efficient Legume-Based Propellant System for the Raggot Mod I Series Ballistic PyroGerbil.”

“Investigation into Effects of Varying Gel Density in Gerbil Fur Gas Checks in the Raggot Mod I series Ballistic PyroGerbil: Propellant Gas Blow-By, Bore Erosion, Spiking, and Mid-Range Accuracy ”

“Field-Expedient Solutions: Improvised Bore Cleaning Compounds and Bore Swabs in the Kiki Series Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar”

“Prevention and Treatment of Chamber, Bore, and Throat Erosion in the Kiki Series Rectal Assault Mortar.”

“Deleterious Effects of Unauthorized Bore Swabs in a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Field Expedient Combat Environment.”

“Rifled or Smooth-Bore?: Effects of Spin Stabilization on the Internal Guidance System of the Raggot-series Ballistic PyroGerbil.”

“An American Dilemma: Should Future Kiki-series Rectal Assault Mortars be Breech Loaders or Muzzle Loaders? Nomenclatural Disagreement Clouds the Debate.”

“Aspects of Tompion Design for the Kiki-series Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar: Preventing Bore Obstructions without Exhaust System Blow-Out”

“Question of Emphasis for Future Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar Technology: Rapid Fire or Full-Auto?”

“Utilization of Advanced Gene Splicing Technology to Effect Transfer of Certain Aerial Control Surfaces from the B1-RD Avian Platform to the Raggot-series Ballistic PyroGerbil Pedi-Form Maneuvering System.”

“Personnel Factors Impacting Field Deployment of the Raggot Mod I, Mk VIII: Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar Crew Resistence to the Tactical Nuclear PyroGerbil.”

“Big-Bore Technology Project a Pointed Failure as Unforseen Personnel Factors Obstruct Prototype Testing: Self-Propelled Rectal Assault Mortar Crews Resist the Ballistic Porcupine.”

“Optimizing Configuration of Naso-Cranial Support Matrices, Idealizing Complex Multi-Structural Osteo-Donto-Keratic Interfaces, and Effectuating Appropriate Proteinaceous Rebound Parameters in the Raggot Mk X Armor-Piercing Ballistic PyroGerbil to Ensure Improved Penetration, Ricochet Reduction, and Inhibit PyroGerbil Splatter.”

“Rocket Propulsion in the Raggot Model II: Entering a New Era in PyroGerbil Technology.”

“Utilization of Implantable Ceramic Nozzles to Prevent Thruster Burn Out in the Raggot Mod II series Rocket-Propelled PyroGerbil.”

“Advances in Gerbil Fur Gas Check Systems for the Multiple Independently-targeted Re-entry Gerbil (MIRG): Improved Accuracy, Longer Range, Increased Sensation.”

“Initial MIRG Field Tests Prove Positive: Taliban Troops Pull Walls Down on Themselves.”

“Techniques for Improved Down-Range Patterning in the Raggot Mod II series Rocket-Propelled PyroGerbil: Enhancing In-Flight Inter-Projectile Communication with Concomitant Reduction in Pyro-Gerbil Chatter. ”

Any interested federal granting agencies are free to apply for sponsorship status. Especially the Pentagon and/or Defense Contractors. Hollywood producers wishing to shovel unusually large sums of money in my direction in return for making a Major Cinematic Event starring Brad Pitt and Britney Spears are welcome to do the same.