Sunday, December 04, 2016

Jehovah's Witness At The Front Door, or The Perils Of Missionarying

Once upon a time, in the wild days of my bygone Youth, a very nice Jehovah's Witness lady in a knee length dress came to my mother's front door and was doing her best to save Mom, when our large, very wet, and smelling-of-fish Golden Retriever came barreling out of Lake Michigan after her morning swim, careened around the corner of the house, and silently drove from behind into the house through the nice Jehovah's Witness lady's legs.

Jehovah's Witness lady stood up about 5 inches taller than a person her height could rightly stand up and took her leave shortly thereafter. Very shortly.

Last time a Jehovah's Witness EVER came to our door.

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Saturday, November 19, 2016

What Will An Attorney General Jeff Sessions Do About The 'Legal' Pot Industry?

The nomination of Jeff Sessions as Attorney General is causing some nervousness in the 'legal' marijuana industry, because Sessions is anti-pot and pro enforcing laws.

I am amazed that so many apparently smart people are willing to publicly commit multiple federal felonies simply because a liberal sitting President say's HIS administration won't enforce those laws.

What did these idiots THINK could happen in a subsequent administration? What part of "multiple federal felonies" is unclear to them?

While I think the federal anti-marijuana laws are flagrantly unconstitutional, it is simply the case that a majority of the Supreme Court is foolish enough to disagree with me. I disagree with prohibition: That does not matter one whit. The laws exist, and the Court has, however wrongly, upheld them.

People foolish enough to publicly commit multiple federal felonies have no one to blame but themselves when they are prosecuted and imprisoned.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Will Progressives Re-think Their Struggle For Greater Federal Power?

I doubt it: Greater federal power is what progressives are for.

Several years ago -back in 2013, in fact- I started asking lovers of gun bans, particularly AR-type guns, who would contemptuously dismiss any claim for need for Americans to be armed as the ravings of the lunatic Right: "Would any sane German in 1913 have said it was even possible that within the remaining lifetime of an already middle-aged German, the German government, government of one of the most educationally, philosophically, and industrially advanced countries on Earth, would build extermination factories and run over 6,000,000 innocent people through them?"

Yet that is exactly what happened. It took only 25 years to descend from the pinnacles of European culture into the Holocaust.

I was interested to find that nearly all responded with "That cannot happen here, because THIS IS AMERICA!" Apparently the phrase "This is America" is a magic talisman against evil, even among those who like to harp on the evils that America has participated in, harped in some cases to the point that one might think they considered America the rightful predecessor and inheritor of Naziism.

Yes, chanting 'THIS IS AMERICA' will surely protect us forever from the all powerful state which has surveillance drones, satellite surveillance, GPS enabled cell phones, GPS enabled automobiles, self-driving automobiles which might someday be hacked by federal law to deliver us to the appropriate authorities, NSA recording all email and telephone calls' meta-data in the world (is it still only the meta-data? Was it ever? If so, must it remain so limited?), recording of all financial transactions involving a check, credit, or debit card -at the same time we are moving away from the financial privacy of cash, and $100 bills with less buying power than a $20 bill in 1973-, military armored vehicles distributed to police forces great and small, a political party already with a demonstrated history of claiming to the Supreme Court that the 1st Amendment allows criminalization of a movie criticizing a politician during an election campaign? And claims that the government could ban any such book as well? (If you doubt that, read about "Citizens United", for the Administration did in fact make the claim in oral arguments that they could ban a book criticizing Hillary Clinton, just as the movie criticized her.)

Will Progressives re-think their commitment to ever greater federal power? I doubt it, because ever greater federal power is exactly what Progressives want.

But of course, a Holocaust can't happen here because THIS IS AMERICA.

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Thursday, November 10, 2016

One Law For The Little People, No Law For The Ubermenschen?

I'll be very interested to see what Bill and Hillary Clinton can charge for speeches and books from here on out.

Even more interested to see if they are ghost written by their cell mates.

Many people will say that prosecuting and imprisoning the whole gang would tear the country apart. I agree, but confirming to the law-abiding middle class that the Ubermenchen are just too important to be held to the same standards as the little people would be far, far worse. Prosecution would be highly salutary.

My guess: Obama will pardon them before he leaves office. Maybe a few little people will see some prison time, but the Clintons will retire with scores of millions in crooked gains, proving again that there is one set of laws for the Little People, and no laws for the Ubermenschen.

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Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Election Day 2016

If you think the last year has been awful, wait for the next four to make it look like The Good Old Days. No matter who wins.

When government controls every part of the economy, every part of our lives, who is in charge becomes surpassingly important. Boys MUST be allowed to shower with the girls, Citizen, or else. Your inefficient 85 cent lightbulb is a federal offense, Citizen, because our donor's efficient $25 bulb hasn't been selling well. Your suburban street sign does not meet our specs, Citizen: Take them all down and replace them. Or else. Air a movie or publish a book criticizing Hillary Clinton, Citizen? To prison with you. Yes, that was what 'Citizens United' was about.

Either the people who are tired of dictates which have no constitutional authorization lose, in which case they will remain...tired, or they will win, in which case the people making a great deal of money off dictates will be screaming "Nazi slave raiders at the gate!" until they are back in control.

So it doesn't matter all that much who wins today: somebody will see themselves as losing something important, and the next four years will be far more hate filled than the last year. Plan on losing friends and family.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

My Proposed Constitutional Amendment

Frankly, I think that high government officials who claim the right to simply 're-interpret' Constitutional provisions out of existence should get fair trials for treason, followed by imprisonment or swift and public hangings, but that is unlikely to happen. Don't like the Constitution as it stands: amend it. Don't think you can get that done? Tough beans.

I'd approve this proposed Constitutional Amendment, which I wrote:

"Any legislator voting into law a bill later found not constitutionally authorized, shall be imprisoned not less than one year, nor more than five. Any legislator voting in favor of a law later found to be Constitutionally prohibited shall be imprisoned for not less than five years nor more than twenty. Any executive signing into law any such bill shall suffer the same penalty. (Hi, George Bush of McCain-Feingold) Sentences for multiple offenses shall run consecutively. These penalties shall apply to federal, state, county and municipal legislators and executives. Violators shall be exempt from pardon.

A defense against the charge of assault or murder of a public official shall consist of proof the legislator or executive voted for or signed into law a Constitutionally prohibited bill."
Put THAT into the Constitution and the SOBs will pay attention to their responsibilities. No personal costs: No respect. Would it paralyze the governments at every level? I hope so: that is it's purpose. Don't worry: you know what chance of passage it has.

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Tuesday, October 11, 2016

"ALUMNI DIRT": A Commencement Speech I'd Like To Hear



“Me? Speak at Commencement? No. Impossible.”

“But why not?”

“I might say something funny. Someone might enjoy it. Completely out of line for a Commencement speech.”

“Bosh. Don’t worry. There isn’t a funny bone in you.”

There was more to the conversation, but you get the gist. In a fit of submission, I submitted. It was a ghastly mistake. At least the school said so when they tracked me down afterwards.

In any case, the moment finally arrived. I sauntered gamely to the lectern.

“Students, Parents, Grandparents, Faculty and Administrators, Trustees, Homeless Seeking a Glass of Free Punch,

I have been tasked with the responsibility of boring you all into slack jawed stupors for half an hour or so, and I shall do my best.

When, many years ago, I was badgered into volunteering here on a project to frame mouldering old pictures from the school archives so that the then current crop of promising young scholars could see they actually had predecessors who looked just like them, I commented to my overseer that the school newsletter was sorely lacking in anything worth rea...I mean: Pizzazz. It lacked Pizzazz.

It’s all very well to brag about how many were National Merit Scholars, which team had trounced all others in state competition, to which colleges and universities the graduates were fleeing, who had ponied up for the Alumni Fund and how much, but where was the single thing to which every jaded reader would first turn before all others?

No, not a faculty center-fold. Good grief: Get your minds out of the gutter.

However, since we are already speaking of the gutter, the newsletter really would be perked up with a column called something like “Alumni Dirt”.

What reader could possibly resist the latest on who has been indicted, the salacious details of truly sordid divorces, horrific revelations at trials, and which classmate was incarcerated where?

Imagine if Lizzy, your dear friend of Sophomore year, had achieved international prominence in the serial ax murder industry. Wouldn’t you want to know? For a modest fee, she might consult.

Everyone wondered why her junior year boyfriend hadn't come to the 5th Reunion pig roast she threw at her parents' lake house, until it came out in her trial that, in fact, he had.

And the poor country club. What were they supposed to do with the FBI digging up all the sand traps for numbers 3 through seven? I mean, people had standing reservations for tee times.

Suppose Lizzy was now doing thirty years to life in Sing-Sing. Why, simple alumni solidarity would dictate you drop Lizzy a note now and then. Once every five years or so seems about right: She isn’t going anywhere.

Lizzy always was suspiciously chirpy. Anyone that cheerful has to be an ax murderer. Or will be. You chirpy types: You know who you are.

Say your old friend Moxy who you used to double date with, has brought down the family bank with unauthorized trades, and all she got out of it was a measly $25,000,000 buyout. Wouldn’t you want to know so you could send a sympathy card to her at that absolute hovel she is reduced to in Cannes?

What about your sister’s boyfriend senior year. Is Interpol still looking for him? How much is the reward? Who would have imagined he was going to put a real blade in the guillotine he built in Shop class and go all French Revolution on those smelly community organizers? He certainly had them fooled.

And his sister, Sukie! Who else, I mean really, who else but Sukie would have taken some banged up beer kegs from that pick up bar she bought and turned them into an Iron Maiden? I guess she didn't actually like pick up artists, did she? She took enough of them home, though, according to the prosecutor.

Such is the news which stirs alumni souls.

At this point, our beloved alma mater apparently doesn’t even track, much less report, the most interesting alumni dirt. Why, I had to find out for myself that a classmate’s wife had quote “a really unusual legal situation, and spent the entire first year we were married in jail.” Unquote.

Now that is the sort of stuff to which readers would turn, especially if told that my classmate had managed to keep his mother in the dark about it. She apparently wondered aloud just why his dear wife was never home whenever MaMah called during that first year, but apparently accepted that Snookums was working late, meditating, at book club, or jogging with the goldfish.

As you go forth into the world, stalwart, proud, and bold, please don’t keep all the most interesting stuff to yourself. If you can’t say anything nice about anybody, write it down and send it to us.

Especially if they are our distinguished alumni.

Thank you.

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