Spanish cave bears, Neanderthals, and by extension, of course...

...porcupines.

Archaeologist Dr. Ana Pinto has been excavating caves in Spain , looking for evidence on both cave bears and Neanderthals. Claudia Dreifus interviewed Pinto in the New York Times:

Q. Your doctorate research, what was it on?

A. Cave bears. Before my research, we thought these extinct animals had been herbivorous. I showed they'd been a least partly carnivorous. In fact, they may have eaten each other.

...I looked systematically at thousands of bones....Using scientific methods, I showed how the tooth marks could only have come from other cave bears - a sign of cannibalism or savaging.

This important research ties in directly with the widespread belief that porcupines too are herbivores, when in fact they are carnivorous blood-sucking vampire predators wont to scale tall trees in order to have higher vantage points from which to espy their quarry and fling themselves, flying squirrel-like, upon their victims, sink glistening fangs into their jugulars and feast upon the innocents' corpses.

Lack of public awareness of the predacious predilections of porcupines is of course a major contributor to the hazard posed by these Draculas of the Woods. I have recently received a written report tho from one perspicacious young scholar who has determined thru undoubtedly rigorous scientific methods that in fact porcupines eat zebras.

Surely further research will expand the proven range of the porcupines' culinary depravities, but for now we must simply beware the so-called innocent "herbivorous" porcupine. They have profited mightily over the millennia from their well-honed propaganda machine, first building unwarranted trust in ever-declining generations of Neanderthals, who believed them a hazard only to trees and near-sighted soccer players. If to be forewarned is to be fore-armed, then we Smorgasbords-on-the-Hoof have hitherto been utterly defenseless.

Remember the Neanderthal! Citizens, to Arms!

UPDATE: A Western correspondent writes that she is to attend some sort of sporting event and:

i'm gonna go...get things ready for the game ...will need to get something to shoot at porcupines!

I have helpfully advised:

Marshmallows. They are absolutely terrified of marshmallows. And Reese's Peanut butter cups. Also in general anything which smacks of vegetables or vegetablism. Also popcorn, of course, especially if well buttered. Just smear it...inside yer tummy.

Alas, said correspondent seems not to take the danger seriously:

If i find a porcupine in the rafters i will take a picture and i will send it to you!

Imagine finding Attila the Hun staring at you all squinty-eyed and speculative, and all you do is stand there snapping pics whilst he checks the edge on his scimitar. I ask you: Is this mal-adaptive behavior, or what? I naturally replied:

Better just Flee For Your Life! Remember the "herbivorous" bunny in ..um...what was it?...Life of Brian?

Shortly a photo was emailed to me, disturbingly like those all too well known last pics of prides of lions (or their blurry tonsils) taken by photo safari neophytes. I could only reply:

Run! Run for your LIVES!

Or pelt it with marshmallows!

Or both!

Lemme know if you survive.

Or not.

So far there has been no response. Gloom lies heavy over all.