Steak Tartar aka Ground Beef aka Cannibal Sandwiches

In the Spirit of Olde Milwaukee, I had to reply to a column on the recent alleged problems with steak tartar aka the highly offensive term "cannibal sandwiches".

To Wit:

The only good cow is a dead cow. Unless you are a cheese person, of course. It is hard to get cheese out of a dead cow. I'll admit that. Live cows do serve some purpose. Particularly as pre-tartar.

I spent my whole adolescence demanding raw beef meatballs with garlic salt for dinner. I got them, too, and never got sick. Cover the plate with them.

Go to a party and spread the dead cow on some bread, put on a little chopped onion. How does life get better than that? I understand, the cow might object, but I'm a biped. The cow has to look out for itself. Or herself, if you want to get all feminist on us.

It helps to have the beef ground to order, and tell the poor long-suffering butcher that you plan on eating it raw. Then she can take extra care.

And, as a wise man said, eat it the same day it was ground. Like raw tuna with sliced ginger root and musabi. Or carpaccio. Good grief, grow some antibodies.

Does this make you reach for your .500 Nitro Express?

His Mommy thinks he's very, very cute.

I don't think I want to run into one in my dreams.

Florida Python Eats Deer

Purists might carp that it was a Burmese Python, but whether it has a green card or not, it was living in Florida so I think it qualifies as a Florida Python. Anyway, the news out of Florida is that a 16 foot long Burmese Python has been executed after eating an entire 76 pound deer.

Florida may not have the great mountains we have in Hawaii, nor the somewhat more dubious pleasure of volcanoes erupting uphill from subdivisions, but it does have pythons. The Florida Department of Fish and Natural Resources or whatever they call it there is missing a great promo: Python Fishing. There's nothing quite like catching a big python on light tackle, and you can do it right in your back yard. You don't need to bait your hook with a 76 pound deer, either. Any passing delinquent would do. A twofer, so to speak.

Florida could be promoting python dishes. Python salad: the Original Snake in the Grass. Python steak: Tastes just like chicken, but a whole lot longer. Python burgers: Share one with your main squeeze. Barbecued python ribs: Enough for the whole family, and then some. Python pot pie: Beats four and twenty blackbirds any day.

If Florida doesn't get the python population under control while it still can, they are likely to spread like Puritans in New England. There may be a few things comparable to having a 16 foot python sneaking in your window late at night, looking for some cookies, or flinging itself at you from the top of a Royal Poinciana as you saunter down the sidewalk, but just offhand I'm not sure what they are. Maybe being attacked by giant rabid man-eating beavers, but other than that, I dunno.

If you go to Florida, best keep your spinning rod handy. And your shotgun.

This had to be a bummer for the neighbors

Sabertooth tigers hunted in packs.

Bloodthirsty Americans

At least their Russky comrades were. No reason to think the Red, White, and Blue ones aren't just as well. Especially the Blue ones...

Mr. Graves translated reports from Russia's Central Statistical Committee showing that in one particularly bloody 17-year period in the late 19th century, more than 1,400 humans were eaten by wolves, and more than 750,000 cattle were lost every single year.

Dude, that is, like, so organic!

Totally Un-PC

WARNING: Not safe for work, if you work for PETA.

Harry Reid: "We have a voluntary tax system."

Is this guy smoking crack, or is he hoping we are?



Thanks to Emmageeman for the lead.

Lesson for the coast of Somalia

Back from Up North

I made it back from the wilds of Bear Country intact and a day early, the latter thanks mostly to some highly uncooperative maple trees. We managed to get some sap on Thursday, and boiled away, but Friday the durn trees had gone on strike, so we took down the buckets (195 of them), pulled the taps, finished boiling what we already had, and headed home today.

The weather up there (near Three Lakes, WI) was wonderful, so we had a couple days of warm sun in the woods, punctuated by skimming sap, pouring in some more, ladling it from one evaporating pan to the next, feeding the fire, sitting around pondering a catalog for the decoy auction coming at the end of the month, checking out an eagle nest to see if anyone was home (there wasn't), some more grueling skimming and ladling and sitting in the sun, agonizing over whethor to drink a beer or a diet Coke, and similarly stressful stuff. We finished with a little under four gallons of syrup, which may have disappointed my host, but I had a good time.

Last night we went into Three Lakes for dinner at the Black Forest Pub & Grill, where I had a grilled cod fillet which went down awfully well. After we sat down I was informed by a usually reliable source that actor Ben Kingsley had been espied in the very same chair the week before. I hope he enjoyed his cole slaw as much as I did.

Back at the cabin I was put on alert about one of the more disreputable neighbors, a porcupine who had been trying to chew off the corner of the cabin. It was the corner into my room, as a matter of fact. It was alleged that he was just trying to eat the house, but pretty clearly he was a bloodthirsty carnivorous predator, and an ambitious one at that, willing to chew through a tough shell to get at the tender morsel inside, namely yours truly. Nonetheless, while the logs showed considerable evidence of his previous efforts, I didn't awake with his fangs in my throat. Possibly my stern attitude warned him away.

Up early this AM and saw an American Merganser drake paddling along. There are worse ways to start the day.

On the way home I stopped at a couple of antique malls, not expecting much, and wasn't disappointed. However, this was the first time I have ever cased an antique mall and discovered a shelf full of used toilet plungers. I hadn't realized that such are now a hot collectible, and perhaps they aren't. This might be the last chance for a canny reader to corner the market before prices go wild.