Steak Tartar aka Ground Beef aka Cannibal Sandwiches

In the Spirit of Olde Milwaukee, I had to reply to a column on the recent alleged problems with steak tartar aka the highly offensive term "cannibal sandwiches".

To Wit:

The only good cow is a dead cow. Unless you are a cheese person, of course. It is hard to get cheese out of a dead cow. I'll admit that. Live cows do serve some purpose. Particularly as pre-tartar.

I spent my whole adolescence demanding raw beef meatballs with garlic salt for dinner. I got them, too, and never got sick. Cover the plate with them.

Go to a party and spread the dead cow on some bread, put on a little chopped onion. How does life get better than that? I understand, the cow might object, but I'm a biped. The cow has to look out for itself. Or herself, if you want to get all feminist on us.

It helps to have the beef ground to order, and tell the poor long-suffering butcher that you plan on eating it raw. Then she can take extra care.

And, as a wise man said, eat it the same day it was ground. Like raw tuna with sliced ginger root and musabi. Or carpaccio. Good grief, grow some antibodies.

Dinner

Poached salmon
Brown rice
Tomato salad
Dinner

Hors d'oeuvres

Three avocados
First brown mush
Second like a board
Last just right
Guacamole tonight

Of Grout Importance

Cousin Joan's

Pocatello Grout Remedy

&

Mule Cleaner

“Get some powdered laundry soap-maybe about 2 cups or 3, put into a bucket and add some hot water, maybe about half full. Mix together really good. Get a real stiff floor brush and dip into the bucket and get it back out and start scrubbing.“ Joan Sayer

Contains no White Vinegar, Baking Soda, Gin, Opium, or Marmot Scent Glands. Not approved for human consumption by the State of California. Even they aren't that dumb, but just the same, don't give them any ideas. They might decide to smoke it.

Ingestion guaranteed to cause a slow and painful death so don't drink it or use as an oral dentifrice on anything which still gives signs of life like bad breath or biting. Especially useful for shower floors, garbage cans, and the clothes of small boys. Remove small boy before laundering. They bite.

Testimonials:

“Made our grout so white we let the Pastor use the bathroom with pride.” Mrs. Samuel C, Hannibal, MO
“The finest mule and floor cleaner my servants have ever used. There is nothing better for removing blood from plaza cobblestones. Non-existing blood. There were no massacres. None. Just ask the Grand Vizier.” Sultan Abdul H., Constantinople
“Makes my grout white as the driven snow, and we have a lot of that here, so I think I know what I'm talking about.” Mrs. S. C., North Pole
“Do not ever use on a gilded Buddha! Oh, dear.” Dalai L, Llasa, Tibet
“It's grout stuff! Our wonderful boys, Frank and Joe, use it on their whitewall tires. Nancy D. does too!” Mrs. Fenton H., Bayport
“Nothing better for degreasing goat skins!” Mr. Robinson C., An Island off the Orinoco River

Grilled Avacado

Hmmmm..... Sounds like it might be good.

Sprinkle or brush avocado halves with lime juice. Grill cut side down for 5-10 minutes. Transfer to a plate, turn cut side up and fill the hole with your favorite salsa, top with a dollop of sour cream if you wish.

The author also likes grill baskets.

Baby On Board

You have surely noticed the yellow signs, usually attached to the rear window of a car, which read "Baby On Board". Less common now than when they first appeared, they seem intended to tell rescuers after a possible accident that there at least might be a wee victim who should not be missed.

Color me weird, but every time I see one I think of Planked Salmon.

Perhaps Jonathan Swift would understand.

"If you put enough melted butter on it,...

... it tastes like melted butter."

Lutefisk: Wisconsin's Toxic Tradition. But allegedly less toxic than it once was. Sorta like absinthe, but without the green fairy.

As 16-year-old Cody Millikin said of Norwegian cod cooked in lye:

It's like Jell-O. It jiggles. It's not like what fish is supposed to be like. But, whatever."

Fortunately for this noble tradition, "the Wisconsin Legislature voted to exempt lutefisk from toxic-substance disclosure laws."

No mention of the turpentine. Oh. Wait...Never mind: that's a Door County Fish Boil.

Interesting Potato Recipe...

...from Kenneth Anderson at the Volokh Conspiracy:

The mashed potatoes ... the potatoes have been soaking overnight in whisky, and I’ll steam them in the whisky, then mash with butter and cream and roasted garlic. Hence the trip to the gym.

Something seems to be wrong with their archives as I couldn't link. No matter: the above is the entire potato comment.